Lano & Woodley at The Malthouse, an experience

After spending an amount equivalent to a refurbished X Box One from EB Games, I want to be able to enjoy a care free night for my whole family. These don’t come by readily for us, in fact they are rare as hen’s teeth. When dealing with special needs children, that comes with the territory.

In response to our new normal, The Malthouse offering is an outdoor experience with a limited menu. And on a cold night just before the long weekend, we made our way there. To see a performance by comedy duo Lano and Woodley, and to enjoy some dinner there too. Not knowing that the menu was going to exclude basics such as chips (Fries for you Americans), came as a total shock. Staff were understanding so I was able to run down to a local cafe and buy a bag to satisfy that need. And need it is. A child going through an ASD Meltdown will do no favours for child, parents, patrons or performers.

While waiting for said bag of chips to cook, I received a call from my partner to say that the food ordered at the Malthouse was already arriving. That was about 40 minutes before the show was to start and minutes after the order was placed. Some may appreciate that rapid service, others may prefer the food to come out just before the show. We are in that later camp as we like to have a few drinks before tucking in.

The food arriving early wouldn’t have been an issue really, if it not had also attracted European Wasps (certainly looked like those darn things). Not one or two, but half a dozen. By the time we got back into the site (and thanks again for the staff on the door and the empathy they had), there were these pests crawling around our food and landing on us too.

The Malthouse Theatre engages in, and informs patrons of expected Covid safe practices. That is all well and good, but if you end up suffering from an anaphylaxis shock induced by a wasp sting, your night is still ruined. A minor irritation from a wasp sting is going to sour the experience as well. Anything from annoyance to ambulance ride is best to be avoided.

As a tip to serving staff, if patrons are waving at something and asking for fly spray, its a sound idea to actually get the fly spray instead of looking at the patron as if they are speaking an alien language from Star Wars.

Eating at places like this is not cheap. We totally understand that. But being able to actually enjoy the food you have ordered, without the added particles a wasp may deposit, is not much to ask for given those prices. I’d go so far as to say that sparring with local pests shouldn’t even be a factor at all. Yet there we were at The Malthouse, with staff wandering around instead of coming over to see if all was okay.

In a state that could be described as half way between apathy and rage, I made the decision to leave said food alone. Despite its gold plated nature, it was not worth running the risk of anything from annoying sting or ambulane sirens. Our ASD kids was understandable scared, and our oldest was fine if we left there and then.  So I went inside with the ASD kid, so at least he could eat his food (the chips were in a bag he was clutching to for dear life). My partner deposited the dishes inside the building, and we were all “very happy” TM to get the night done with.

With the tucker gone, so too were the bugs. My mind wondered to KFC, Hungry Jacks, Pizza Hut. All those places that fill your belly with junk food. Heck I was hungry. And as you can imagine,  in no mood for comedy.

If wasps don’t both you, this could very well be your bag. But it was not for me. Especially after a jog to get ASD safe food. I just wanted to sit down, have  a bite to eat, a few laughs, a drink or too, and watch my family do the same. I love it when in those few precious moments come together. Unfortunately at The Malthouse, events transpired to kill it.

Given the number of wasps around, in my mind and speaking as a total non-expert, there had to be a nest somewhere close by. If you are going to be red hot on covid management, being red hot on pest management makes sense too.

And as for the show, I just could not get into it. Speaking as someone that still uses references from the “Lano & Woodley Show” I’ve been a fan of that duo for decades. When they came back with “Fly” I just had to get the tea towel. So for me to not get into this performance was significant.

Maybe it was the belly grumbling for tucker, maybe it was a thirst needing a beer, maybe it was the group of pests buzzing around, maybe I’ve seen the humour too many times. Whatever the barrier was, this show just did not land for me.

Recycling old humour was definitely no surprise, as the show itself was billed, “As well as a bunch of new bits, Col and Frank will draw from the massive repertoire of pointless stupidity that has made millions of people bliss out on belly laughs. AND ISN’T THAT WHAT WE ALL NEED? One thing is guaranteed, Col will nobly take to the stage, ONLY to be shitted up the wall by Frank for your entertainment.”

For those that have never seen it before, it would be fantastic. For those that have been on the Lano & Woodley journey, unless you need the nostalgia hit, this could be a miss. Tickets are sold out though, so if you already have tickets to this show, my money is on your going anyway. But the recycling is a shame, their last show (Fly) was full of new humour, faithful to their past, and an experience worth reliving on Amazon.

Now during this performance I did laugh. The comedy on stage was funny, even if a lot of it I had seen before. The show does get that tick. I don’t want to spoil the actual contents of the show (for those with tickets), but my tip is to dine inside before going out to the stage, and expect an experience that is more digging into the past and less fresh.

If you have missed out on tickets, don’t worry at all. You can simply buy their TV series on DVD, and get all the laughs The Malthouse experience offers. As a bonus you will be free of any wasps ruining your night.